


my only weakness

by donotfeedthebirds



Series: maybe she verse [2]
Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2019-09-29 17:32:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17207825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donotfeedthebirds/pseuds/donotfeedthebirds
Summary: Sometimes Sooyoung thought of what it’d be like to have her. If Jiwoo would taste different if Sooyoung were brave enough to call the younger girl hers.or,the story of Kim Jiwoo, Sooyoung’s only weakness.the chuuves counterpart of ‘maybe she’, my 2jin fic. [but you don't have to read that for this to make sense]





	1. Chapter 1

People are weak. People give in to their innate desires, become addicted to their vices, and eventually become dependent on the thrill that comes from doing what they know is wrong. Having seen such desires bring her family to ruin, Sooyoung had grown to hate weakness.

Her father gave in. He had cheated on her mother, leaving their family with nothing but a note that explained that he had moved across the country to be with a much younger woman. He threw away his presumably happy marriage, the decades spent loving his wife and children all gone for the sake of potential happiness with someone else.

Her mother gave in. After her father’s departure, her mother had spent all her time boozed out on the couch, miserably looking over their wedding album as if that could somehow bring Sooyoung’s father back. She took the easy way out. Instead of facing reality, she numbed the pain with whatever alcohol she could find, her desire for momentary relief trumping all else.

Her brother gave in. The pressure of university became too much for him and he dropped out in his third year. Sooyoung could only watch as he chose to waste his time gambling. One too many blackjack games and he lost his car - the very same one he spent years working to earn enough money for. He threw it all away for the slight chance of winning big.

Their weaknesses made her grow up way too fast - by age seven, she had to place a blanket over her mother’s passed-out body near-daily, by age nine she cooked her own meals and made her own way to and from school. At age fourteen (even though it was illegal for her to work) she had her first job, slowly but surely helping her brother back into financial security by slipping whatever money she could scrounge up into his wallet.

When she was younger, Sooyoung had hated them for that, for throwing away their lives and, as a result, ruining hers. Just because they were too weak to repress their desires. Too weak to not give in. Too human.

She just couldn’t understand what it was like. How could someone want something so badly that they would throw away everything they have? It didn’t make any sense to her. How could they let something as insignificant as a desire take over their lives?

Although Sooyoung had long since forgiven her family, she never quite understood why. In fact, Sooyoung had never had a weakness of her own until her senior year of high school.

* * *

Sooyoung was no stranger to confessions. Even though she attended an all-girls school, she received so many confessions that she had even devised a way to let them down easily. A simple routine of smiling, giving them an honest excuse of why she was rejecting them, giving them space afterwards, rinse and repeat.

But Jiwoo asking her to meet her after school under the tallest tree in the park (a common place for people to confess their feelings) still came as a shock. Of course, there was always the possibility that Jiwoo was only looking to hang out, but that seemed improbable considering the location.

And so Sooyoung stood there, hands stuffed into her pockets, waiting for the younger girl to show up. Having already decided on how she would turn the other girl down (if, of course, Jiwoo was planning to confess), Sooyoung passed the time by looking around her.

Most of the leaves had fallen off of the surrounding trees and the sky was a boring grey, so the park by itself looked bare and bleak. The people there looked uninteresting as well, too normal for Sooyoung pay attention to. There was the usual jogger, some groups of friends walking home from school, a few kids running around.

Not long after, Sooyoung finally caught a glimpse of the younger girl. Jiwoo, still dressed in their uniform, trekked over to Sooyoung, her determination evident on her face. If that expression were on anyone else, Sooyoung might have been intimidated but it was hard to be scared by Jiwoo.

Winter was fast approaching, so the younger girl was swaddled in their uniform’s thick sweater, with its accompanying similarly-coloured scarf wrapped around her neck. She just looked too cute to be intimidating.

As soon as she stood in front of Sooyoung, Jiwoo said those familiar words, not wasting their time by starting off with a hello.

“I like you.”

Oh. Sooyoung didn’t expect that.

She half-expected a confession, sure, but not one quite so upfront.

See, Jiwoo’s crush on her was fairly obvious. It was, after all, hard to miss the younger girl’s not-so-subtle staring, to ignore just how widely she smiled when Sooyoung complimented her, to overlook how Jiwoo never failed to like all of her pictures. But the fact that Jiwoo had enough mustered up enough courage to tell her face-to-face, without a single stutter or clear sign of hesitation, that was surprising. Almost impressive.

She let her eyes trail over Jiwoo, took note of the way her shoulders subtly shook, how her gaze was fixed on the concrete, how a deep blush settled over her cheeks as soon as she noticed Sooyoung’s staring. As soon as Jiwoo realised that she was going red in the face, she tilted her head downwards so that more of her face was covered in her scarf’s fabric.

During the two years that Sooyoung had known the younger girl, she had seen Jiwoo’s nervous side fairly often. But today Jiwoo was even more flustered than Sooyoung had ever seen her before. So flustered that she didn’t even dare to look Sooyoung in the eyes. So flustered that she took to hiding her reddening cheeks.

_Cute._

That thought, coupled with the respect she had for Jiwoo pushing through the aforementioned nervousness to tell her this way… it endeared Jiwoo to Sooyoung in a way she didn’t know was possible.

Stepping closer, Sooyoung gently held Jiwoo’s chin in her hand, lifting Jiwoo’s face with her forefinger and thumb. As soon as their eyes met, Jiwoo let out a small gasp before tightening her lips and becoming silent.

Sooyoung leaned in, ghosting her lips over Jiwoo’s in an imitation of a kiss, making sure their lips didn’t actually meet but close enough that a single movement would connect them. Just as Sooyoung expected, Jiwoo’s eyes came to a close and she stood perfectly still, waiting for Sooyoung to make the next move. Sooyoung smirked.

Although this was the response Sooyoung knew she would get, she was still impressed. Even though the girl she supposedly liked was stood in front of her, Jiwoo resisted. Even though they were so close that the warmth of their faces intermingled, so close that it seemed almost impossible that they weren’t touching, Jiwoo didn’t give in.

“Why haven’t you leaned in?” Sooyoung couldn’t help but ask.

Jiwoo’s arms went limp at her sides, but her eyes remained shut tight. “I- I don’t know if you’d want that.” Her blush only deepened at this point. “I don’t want to do anything that you don’t want.”

Jiwoo didn’t give in to that desire, didn’t do anything at all. She stayed, unmoving, doing the typical Jiwoo thing by being kind enough to let Sooyoung have the choice. Jiwoo, it seemed, was stronger than her desires. Stronger than most people. Her unselfish nature impressed Sooyoung again.

Such good behaviour should result in a reward, right?

Kissing someone should be simple. Sooyoung had done it countless times before, both with perfect strangers and with close friends. It wasn’t meant to sear her skin as if a flame was igniting where their lips connected. And yet, when Sooyoung finally put her lips on Jiwoo’s that was the only way she could describe it.

Sooyoung closed her eyes and brushed her lips against Jiwoo’s once, twice, her eyes shooting open in shock as a burning sensation tickled against her lips. _So smooth._

Jiwoo’s mouth opened slightly in another short gasp, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. Sooyoung wondered if she too felt that scorching sensation, if Jiwoo felt as inexplicably warm as Sooyoung.

Despite herself, Sooyoung leaned in again. She couldn’t help it. It was like some invisible force was pushing her towards the younger girl, as if she had some innate desire to be set on fire yet again.

This time, Jiwoo’s hand grabbed the back of Sooyoung’s head to pull her in closer, as if the mere touching of lips that Sooyoung was providing wasn’t enough. She made the simple peck more passionate and demanding than Sooyoung was prepared for, leaving Sooyoung unable to do anything but tilt her head and deepen the kiss.

Her free hand reached out and grabbed Sooyoung’s shirt, clinging onto it and giving it a tug when Sooyoung lightly nipped her bottom lip. The tugging became more insistent and frequent when Sooyoung put her hands on her waist and gripped her hips.

Without knowing it, Sooyoung was suddenly filled with desire, her mind drowning in thoughts she had never had before. _I want to hear her gasp again, I want to feel her hands on my bare skin, I want to make her_ \-- It scared Sooyoung. If she allowed herself to keep going, Jiwoo must just become her weakness, the one thing she’d give it all up for.

Pulling away momentarily, Sooyoung let go of her hold on Jiwoo’s hips, their only connection being their foreheads still touching. She tried to ignore how she could still feel some of Jiwoo’s lipgloss on the side of her mouth, tried to ignore how Jiwoo’s heart was beating so fast that she could hear it.

“You like me, right?” Sooyoung asked.

Still breathless, Jiwoo could only nod in response. Her eyes finally fluttered open, looking into Sooyoung’s as if searching for an answer.

For some reason, Sooyoung didn’t have the heart to reject the younger girl like she normally would have. She just didn’t want to see the other girl sad. Despite all the rational parts of her brain screaming at her to turn Jiwoo down and leave, to do the thing she always did, Sooyoung merely smiled.

“Thank you,” Sooyoung said. “I can’t say that I feel the same but thanks anyway.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Choir room,” Jiwoo muttered to herself, looking over the wrinkled school map in her hands for what felt like the hundredth time, “choir room?” 

She was completely and utterly lost. 

Jungeun had highlighted the choir room’s whereabouts on the map, but that proved unhelpful as Jiwoo stumbled around the unfamiliar hallway. She had so confidently told Jungeun that she could make her way around school grounds without her help and already Jiwoo was regretting her words.

Glancing around, Jiwoo saw some things she recognised. There was a water fountain she swore she had passed only minutes ago, a familiar-looking classroom, and even a decorated locker she remembered from the orientation tour. 

Her head tilted to the left as she heard faint music coming from across the hallway. As Jiwoo moved towards the sound, she could hear some of its lyrics. She didn’t recognise the song - it sounded like nothing Jiwoo had ever heard on the radio. As soon as she got to the source, she looked up at the sign above the door. 

“Music room?” Jiwoo scrunched her face up in confusion. “That’s… like a choir room, right?”

Not having anywhere else to turn to, she slid the door open. 

Instead of finding Jungeun as she had expected, Jiwoo discovered a girl she had never seen before. A perfect girl.

The girl was wearing their uniform so casually - top buttons undone, shirt untucked, skirt rolled up, hair in a loose ponytail - that without the sight of the familiar blue and red, Jiwoo might not have figured out that she went to the same school. Even from the other side of the room, Jiwoo could tell that she was pretty - no,  _ beautiful  _ \- and that realisation made Jiwoo unable to move from her spot by the door.

More beautiful than the girl’s appearance - though only slightly - was her dancing. 

It was glorious. It pulled the air right from Jiwoo’s lungs. Jiwoo couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sight of her fluid movements, amazed at how well they fit with the beat of the song and by the ease by which she executed them. It seemed so easy and so perfect as if the girl had been rolling her hips since the day she was born.

Unaware of Jiwoo’s presence, the girl continued to dance. Jiwoo could do nothing but stand there, transfixed, as she went through step after perfectly timed step. 

Jiwoo didn’t know if the sight of the girl dancing was what was making her heart beat faster, or if it was merely trying to match the unrelenting tempo of the music booming from the speakers, but either way, Jiwoo could feel her heart beating rapidly in her chest.

The song stopped soon after. As it reached its final chord, the girl’s movements stopped as well but Jiwoo still couldn’t stop staring. As if sensing someone’s eyes on her, the girl’s eyes met Jiwoo’s. 

Jiwoo hadn’t really been doing anything wrong - this was her school too, after all - but she still felt guilt at so shamelessly staring at this perfect stranger.

“Hello?” the girl said, a tinge of confusion to her voice. “Are you lost or something?”

Were voices allowed to be this soft and pretty? Surely, there must be some sort of rule against this, otherwise, everyone would be too distracted and no work would get done. Yes, there must be a law stating that girls that are already drop-dead gorgeous shouldn’t be allowed to have sweet melodic voices as well. Unfair, all of this was unfair. 

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’m sorry,” Jiwoo struggled out, “I’m a first year and I’m really bad at maps so I have no clue where anything is and I--”

“No, no,” the girl said, thankfully interrupting Jiwoo’s tangent before she said anything too revealing. “It’s fine…” she trailed off, waiting for Jiwoo to fill in her name. 

“Jiwoo.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Jiwoo.” She smiled. Oh, her teeth were adorable. “My name’s Sooyoung. Don’t bother calling me sunbae or anything - just Sooyoung’s fine.” 

Even her name’s pretty. “Alright, Sooyoung it is.”

“Or maybe…” 

Jiwoo tilted her head to the side. “Maybe?”

“Maybe you can call me unnie.”

Jiwoo almost choked. Luckily, Sooyoung seemed too focused on the map in Jiwoo’s hands to notice Jiwoo dying ever-so-slightly on the inside.

As soon as Jiwoo got over her almost-choking incident and started breathing again, Jiwoo heard Sooyoung laugh. Jiwoo looked down, noticing how Sooyoung was looking at the writing on her hand telling her to get to the choir room 4:30 sharp. Jiwoo felt embarrassed, chastising herself and thinking that she should have rubbed it off so she didn’t look so forgetful. 

“Looking for the choir room, huh?” Sooyoung asked. When Jiwoo didn’t answer, she stepped closer and asked another question. “You planning on joining them?” 

The closer she was, the more tense Jiwoo felt. It was like her brain stopped functioning, she couldn’t even string enough words together to form a coherent answer.

“Their practices start in about an hour. I could show you where--”

“No!” Jiwoo said, surprising even herself with her outburst. “I-I mean, I wouldn’t want to… inconvenience you more. I already interrupted your dancing and--” Jiwoo turned on her heel, giving an awkward little half-bow as she turned away from Sooyoung. “I should go.”

“No, don’t leave.” Sooyoung grabs her arm and gently pulls her in. “You’re lost, right? Let me help.”

“I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”

“How about this? Help me with my dancing and I’ll get you to that choir room in time. That way, we help each other. No trouble.” She smiled again, this time so brightly that the sun could’ve stopped existing and Jiwoo wouldn’t even have noticed. Jiwoo sorta wants to look away and refuse her offer purely because her little heart couldn’t take this anymore, but she also never wants to look away.

It was a hard choice but Jiwoo finds herself nodding.

* * *

“How can I help?” Jiwoo asked, leaning against the window in the furthest corner of the room. If she was going to stay, she might as well be as safe as possible.

“Just watch?” Sooyoung said. Jiwoo could do that. She could do that all afternoon if she were allowed to. Maybe even do it forever if she could somehow do that without seeming like a creep. “Tell me if you see anything wrong, alright?”

Jiwoo nodded, pressing the play button on the remote.

Sooyoung’s expression changed the second the music started back up, going from kind upperclassman to cold and chic within seconds. Jiwoo wasn’t a dance critic or anything, but even she could see how well Sooyoung’s intense gaze created a confident persona that fit the hard beats of the song near-perfectly.

At the ending pose, her leg moved forward slightly. Jiwoo might not have noticed the mistake if not for Sooyoung’s sudden expression change into a frown.

“Again.”

So Jiwoo pressed the play button once more.

They continued on like that for a while, going over every little detail of Sooyoung’s movements. Jiwoo had heard the song so many times that - although she had never heard the song before this - she could probably sing every lyric off by heart by now. She was honestly a little sick of hearing it over and over. She could only imagine how Sooyoung felt, she had probably heard the song hundreds of times more than Jiwoo had.

Thankfully, Jiwoo never grew sick of watching Sooyoung. In fact, the older girl only became more interesting as the minutes went by.

Behind that strong persona, Jiwoo caught short glimpses of the real Sooyoung underneath. The moments were so short that if Jiwoo weren’t actively watching, she might have missed them. Every time Sooyoung took a misstep, was too slow or too fast, every time she berated herself and let out a heavy breath. She’d merely look disappointed in herself for a split second, before plastering on that confident look and trying again.

It was somehow more breathtaking than if she had done the dance perfectly. It showed that underneath the bravado and strength, Sooyoung was a person just like Jiwoo was, someone flawed, imperfect. Someone allowed to make mistakes. 

Sooyoung, however, didn’t seem to think the same way.

“Shouldn’t your arm be at 45 degrees?” Jiwoo questioned. After seeing the older girl falter at her words, Jiwoo rushed to correct herself, afraid she had overstepped a boundary by so blatantly pointing out her mistake. “Not that it looks bad that way,” Jiwoo squeaked out.

“No, you’re right.” Sooyoung lifted her arm up to the right angle. “Such a basic mistake and I still--”

“It’s fine. Honestly, it made it better.”

Sooyoung shook her head, not even taking the time to properly consider Jiwoo’s words.

“Again.”

Jiwoo’s thumb almost pressed the play button out of instinct, but there was something stopping her. Something told her that she had to tell Sooyoung that being human and making mistakes was okay. That taking off that strong persona every once in a while would be fine.

“I-”

“Again,” Sooyoung said, her stern voice making it sound more like a command. “I have to be perfect.”

* * *

Sooyoung panted, struggling to catch her breath after dancing for so long. Somehow, even though strands of her hair were sticking to her face because of the sweat, Sooyoung looked even more mesmerising to Jiwoo. Somehow, even the way she rubbed her aching muscles and groaned was endearing. Somehow, the less perfect she was, the more beautiful.

Jiwoo could never say that out loud, though. Sooyoung would probably brush it off and refuse the compliment. Of course, she would. After all, Jiwoo was just a random stranger that she decided to help.

_ “I have to be perfect”?  _ Jiwoo thought.  _ Who told her a lie like that?  _

“4:30,” Sooyoung said, looking up at the clock on the wall. “Guess we should start heading down to the choir room now, huh?”

Jiwoo felt a little disappointed by that. She didn’t know why - this was the deal after all, but she had expected… she doesn’t know what she expected. After all, there was no way that Sooyoung was as interested in her as Jiwoo was interested in Sooyoung. 

As they exited the choir room, Jiwoo shut the door behind them. Trailing after Sooyoung, Jiwoo watched Sooyoung as they walked straight along the hallway, then turn right, and then… they just stopped.

“The choir room,” Sooyoung said, gesturing to the door in front of them.

Jiwoo looked up at the sign and, yep, there it was. So close to where they had been for the past half hour. So close that Sooyoung could have easily just told her where to go and not kept her around.

“We were this close the entire time?” 

“Yep,” Sooyoung said, chuckling a little at Jiwoo’s shocked expression, “surprised?”

“A little,” Jiwoo admitted, “wouldn’t it have been better if you let me go and you had just focused on your dance?”

“I dunno. I wanted to keep you around for some reason.” Jiwoo felt her heart skip a little in her chest. “Maybe I just wanted to get to know you a little, Jiwoo.”

“I wanted to get to know you too.”

“Yeah?” Sooyoung’s eyebrow quirked upwards. “What did you learn?”

_ I learned that you aren’t perfect. I learned that underneath it all you’re maybe just as flawed as I am. I learned that even your mistakes are unfairly beautiful. I--  _ “Not much, unnie.” Jiwoo smiled. “Maybe we should hang out so we can get to know each other more?”

Sooyoung’s lips curved into a smile as well, matching Jiwoo’s expression. “Maybe,” Sooyoung said.

Wanting to leave before she made a fool of herself, Jiwoo slid the door open. “Bye, unnie.”

“Bye, Jiwoo.”

Jiwoo locked eyes with Jungeun, the wide smile on her face not even faltering as Jungeun loudly sighed and said, “finally.”

_ Just a crush,  _ Jiwoo thought to herself as she let Jungeun tug her into the unfamiliar room,  _ just a little crush. Nothing to worry about. _


	3. Chapter 3

Sooyoung was sure she didn’t like Jiwoo. So her decision to stand outside the choir room and wait for Jiwoo’s practice to be over was… confusing, to say the least. Especially since she blew off Haseul’s invitation to join her and Vivi at the arcade - an offer she’d usually jump at.

See, the next step of Sooyoung’s usual rejection procedure was to take a few days to avoid the girl in question.

So imagine her surprise when - two days into her planned avoidance - Sooyoung found herself doing the complete opposite. Most of Sooyoung’s waking thoughts were focused on the younger girl, wondering if Jiwoo had eaten enough that day, if she had gotten home safely, if she was happy.

For some inexplicable reason, Sooyoung was worried that her rejection (even though it was worded as nicely as possible) hurt the younger girl. Avoiding Jiwoo _hurt_ in a way that Sooyoung wasn’t prepared for.

And now, she was lingering around the near-deserted hallway to and wait for Jiwoo’s choir practice to be over. Waiting to talk to the younger girl about what had happened that day, to maybe apologise for rejecting her and hopefully soften the blow, to do anything to somehow make things better. To talk about that _kiss._

Leaning her head against the wall, Sooyoung let out a sigh.

“God, what am I doing?”

In the corner of her eye, Sooyoung could see through the glass panel of the door. Through this, she caught a glimpse of Jiwoo - with that usual wide grin on her face as she laughed and joked around with the other choir members. Then as soon as the conductor called for their attention again, Jiwoo immediately became serious.

Despite herself, Sooyoung smiled.

“What are you doing to me, Jiwoo?”

* * *

If Sooyoung were ever honest with herself, she might recognise that she missed Jiwoo’s company.

She missed the small intimacies that Jiwoo provided, like when Jiwoo would sometimes lean so close as they walked together, as if she had forgotten that they weren’t the same person. She missed how Jiwoo’s presence lit up entire rooms, missed the way Jiwoo always caught her jokes and laughed, and she even missed the small smiles Jiwoo would give her at seemingly random times.

Even since the first time they met each other, Sooyoung had known that Jiwoo liked her. But what was surprising was that somehow without her noticing it, Sooyoung had also grown too attached.

Sometime over the two years they’d known each other, Sooyoung had begun to depend on the sight of Jiwoo’s smile to make her feel better. Today when she couldn’t see that smile… it hurt in a way Sooyoung couldn’t understand. But the thought that her rejection could have stopped Jiwoo from smiling? That hurt even worse.

But Sooyoung was never honest with herself.

So she had no clue why it hurt the way it did, why she found herself looking for Jiwoo’s presence to quell her loneliness.

* * *

An hour came and went, and the practice ended. Sooyoung idly watched as several choir members passed her by, her head still leaning on the wall. Soon enough, Jiwoo came out - with Jungeun in tow - as well, and she met eyes with Sooyoung almost immediately.

“Unnie,” Jiwoo called out, her surprise evident in the way her voice lilted up as if it were a question. “What are you doing here?”

Jungeun quirked an eyebrow at the both of them and untangled her arm from Jiwoo’s. “I guess I’ll leave you two alone.” She started to pull away, a teasing grin plastered on her face.

“Jungeun--” Jiwoo started. She made a move to bring the other girl back, her words cut off by Jungeun’s reply.

“Have fun!” Jungeun interrupted. She turned on her heel, made finger guns at the two of them, before cringing at herself and walking away again.

“Uh,” Sooyoung said, somewhat glad for the distraction but simultaneously confused at just how weird their friends could be, “I’m guessing she knows you confessed to me?”

“I didn’t tell her but… I guess best friends have a way of knowing anyway.” The way Jiwoo’s lips curved into a smile at that made her fondness for Jungeun obvious, and Sooyoung - not for the first time - thought about how glad she was that Jiwoo had such good friends.

Jiwoo looked at her expectantly, as if waiting for Sooyoung to speak.

“I--” _I don’t really know what I’m doing here,_ “wanna go for a walk?”

* * *

Okay, so maybe the park wasn’t the best place to go. But then again, Sooyoung was currently on a streak of bad decisions. And the park - a.k.a the location where the aforementioned confession and subsequent rejection occurred - was perhaps the worst of those decisions. The temperature was practically subzero - what with it being the middle of the evening in winter and all - making this walk nowhere near enjoyable.

Sooyoung felt an odd twinge in her chest when she saw Jiwoo shiver. She wanted to offer her a jacket, or a scarf, or pretty much anything that might provide more warmth than the flimsy school sweater they were both wearing. But of course, this had to be the day when they forgot to bring them.

So instead, Sooyoung pulled Jiwoo in close and leaned into her, slipping her arm around Jiwoo’s waist. To Sooyoung’s surprise, Jiwoo responded in kind by lightly draping her own across Sooyoung’s shoulders. It was almost as if Jiwoo’s confession never happened, like they had unknowingly gone back to the way they used to be only weeks ago.

It felt good to walk like that. Together. It had been a while since anyone had shown Sooyoung such natural affection. It felt like Jiwoo didn’t expect anything from her, didn’t want her to be anything but herself. Jiwoo always made her feel like that.

“I thought about you today,” Sooyoung said to break the silence.

In an instant, Jiwoo’s eyes lit up, and Sooyoung realised just how dangerous her words were. They had the power to give Jiwoo hope, hope of a future that Sooyoung could never allow. Hope that maybe Sooyoung returned her affections.

“Yeah?” Jiwoo said, both her face and voice constrained to appear unaffected. “What did you think?” It was clear that she was trying not to show how hopeful she was, what with the smile pulling on the corners of her lips.

Sooyoung almost found herself endeared by this, but instead, she was too focused on what her answer would be. After all, Sooyoung could have told her a thousand things.

She could have confided that she irrationally worried about Jiwoo’s safety, especially since she knew all too well how dangerous Jiwoo’s street could be at night. She could have talked about how when she passed by a bakery on her way to school, she almost stopped to buy Jiwoo’s favourite macarons. She even could have told Jiwoo about how she couldn’t pay attention in class the entire day, too busy worrying about whether her rejection hurt her.

But in usual Sooyoung fashion, she said whatever would support her aloof image.

“Nothing too specific,” Sooyoung lied.

When Jiwoo’s face fell, Sooyoung tried and failed to not let it bother her. Cute faces like Jiwoo’s were never meant to frown like that - so obviously trying to hide her disappointment.

And apparently, that was the end of that conversation, because Jiwoo simply nodded and they kept walking forward.

They reached the tallest tree pretty quickly, the silence becoming increasingly more uncomfortable as time went on.

Sooyoung didn’t even plan on saying anything, the words just escaped her mouth without her even thinking about it. “I- I thought about kissing you.”

Stopping in her tracks, Jiwoo turned around and looked up at her, both surprise and trepidation evident in her gaze. She seemed almost nervous, as if she didn’t quite know how to respond.

“I thought about how soft your lips felt, about how your lipgloss tasted. I wondered if it’d feel the same-- if I kissed you again.” As the words flowed out of Sooyoung’s lips, she felt her heart pound in her chest. Her brain was screaming at her to stop talking, to stop before she embarrassed herself even further, but she couldn’t. “If I kissed you right now.”

Sooyoung’s gaze dropped to Jiwoo’s mouth. She could have sworn that it never looked that enticing before - never that particular pretty shade of pink, or never that glossy, never that _kissable_. Or maybe it was Sooyoung that had changed.

Still looking up at her, Jiwoo finally spoke - her voice unsure and wavering. “Do you think it’ll be alright if we _did_ kiss?”

Sooyoung didn’t answer.

She chose not to answer and instead let her hands cup Jiwoo’s face as she leaned in. Sooyoung’s breath caught in her throat when Jiwoo met her halfway, Jiwoo’s mouth just as soft as Sooyoung knew it would be, just as giving and tender.

She responded, matching Sooyoung’s energy - slow at first then gradually building up, growing stronger and hungrier and more desperate with each passing second.

It ignited something deep within Sooyoung - something that terrified her. Call it desire, or call it passion, all Sooyoung knew was that she was perilously close to discovering the weakness that might unravel the only stability Sooyoung had in her life.

The Jiwoo that Sooyoung had gotten to know felt warm, safe, something akin to what home and family should feel like. But this Jiwoo, she was intense and hot like a raging fire, almost dangerous in her passion. This Jiwoo felt _wrong._

“No,” Sooyoung answered, roughly wiping at her lips after pulling away, “I don’t think it’s alright at all.”


	4. Chapter 4

Jiwoo wasn’t stupid; she knew she was being used. 

She acted as if she didn’t know - or at the very least, as if she didn’t mind - when in reality, it pained her. Was she not enough to love without all the games? 

Still, she went along with it. 

There were moments when Jiwoo could pretend Sooyoung was hers. Those were few and fleeting moments, sure, but they almost made the pain of not being loved in return worth it. 

Like before she leaned in for a kiss, when Jiwoo could pretend that Sooyoung simply wanted her company, not mere physical affection. 

Or even the times when Jiwoo’s phone would ring and her heart would skip in her chest as her mind swam with delusions. 

Maybe this time Sooyoung was calling for something more than a two-second meet up. Maybe this time Sooyoung would apologise for all the unnecessary hurt she continually put Jiwoo’s heart through. Maybe, just maybe, Sooyoung would admit that she felt even an inkling of how Jiwoo felt for her. A lone butterfly in her stomach, or even a single flutter in her chest. Jiwoo would have settled for even the slightest hint that Sooyoung could ever feel the same way.

She knew that it was sad, or even pathetic, but she didn’t know what else to do.

So when her phone rang - recognising the ringtone she specifically set for Sooyoung - she immediately answered.

“Hello?”

Her eyes widened as she heard Sooyoung's strained voice. 

“Yeah, alright. I’ll come over right now!”

* * *

“I came as quickly as I could,” Jiwoo called out as she barrelled through Sooyoung’s front door.

From her place on the sofa, Sooyoung smiled. The curve of her mouth was so slight that the smile almost didn’t exist, but it was enough to make Jiwoo’s heart soar. She patted the space next to her, scooching over to the side to let Jiwoo sit down.

As soon as she sat, Jiwoo brushed Sooyoung’s hair away from her face, revealing her puffy red eyes and runny nose. 

So many confusing feelings hit Jiwoo at once at the sight. Surprise at how beautiful Sooyoung still looked with the tear tracks on her face. Concern for whatever caused Sooyoung to cry like this. And even a tinge of happiness that Jiwoo was the person that she called at such a desperate time.

Sooyoung jerked away, avoiding eye contact.

“Were you crying?”

Sooyoung moved even farther away, tilting her head up so no more tears would fall. 

“What’s wrong?” Jiwoo pushed.

“It's my--" Sooyoung sniffled, her breathing unsteady as she struggled through the words. "My brother." 

Jiwoo said nothing, rubbing Sooyoung's back in soothing circles.

“He’s in the hospital, something about him drinking too much.” Sooyoung shook her head. “I should've known he was going to do something like this. I shouldn't have let him go out last night."

Sooyoung put her face in her hands, hiding her distress from Jiwoo. Even though her hands partly covered it, Jiwoo could see her angered expression. "God, I'm so fucking stupid," Sooyoung hissed.

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault," Jiwoo said in her softest possible voice. She took Sooyoung's hands off her face and held them tenderly. Seeing a single tear fall, Jiwoo rubbed it away with her thumb. "Don't blame yourself."

Sooyoung tore her hands away.

"I don’t think we can pay for it, and I’m so worried about him. I-- I don’t know what to do-- I can’t-- I--” She started to hyperventilate. 

When she heard it, Jiwoo could almost feel her own lungs tighten in response. 

She had seen Sooyoung cry before, but never like this. She looked _broken_. Sure, Jiwoo had seen fissures and cracks in Sooyoung’s strong persona before, but not quite to this extent. 

Sooyoung had always been responsible to the point of ruin. She had always felt like it was her duty to keep her family afloat, even while it seemed like no one else cared. Jiwoo had listened to Sooyoung's rants countless times. Most had to do with her family and how they only focused on themselves, leaving Sooyoung to fend for herself. 

Despite that, Sooyoung never blamed them. Instead, she took on all the responsibility and began caring for the ones that should have taken care of her. Sooyoung cared too much, was willing to destroy herself to keep everyone else happy. It broke Jiwoo’s heart.

“Look, you don’t have to speak. Just try to - to breathe, okay?” Jiwoo whispered, attempting to calm her. She racked her brain to think of ways to calm Sooyoung, trying to think of anything that might help her. “Breathe, just like me. Listen to my breathing and try to do the same.”

Jiwoo struggled to keep her breathing steady, trying to set a solid example for Sooyoung to follow. It must have worked, because in time Sooyoung’s breathing slowed. It still wasn't steady, but it was good enough for now.

“Tell me everything’s gonna be okay,” Sooyoung breathed out, her words almost a command.

Normally, Jiwoo would have done as Sooyoung said. Normally, she would have done anything to make Sooyoung happy again - done anything that Sooyoung wanted. But lying? That was something she’d never do to the older girl.

“Look,” Jiwoo said. She gently grabbed hold of Sooyoung’s chin, tilting her so that their eyes met. “I can’t tell you that everything’s fine and that you’re okay, because it isn’t and you aren’t. Things are terrible, unnie. You know that.” 

Sooyoung didn’t move away from Jiwoo’s grasp, but she did drop her gaze, staring down at the couch. 

“And you don’t gain anything from me lying to you,” Jiwoo continued. “So I’m going to be honest. I believe you can pull through this.” Jiwoo shook her head, chuckling faintly. “No, I believe you can do anything."

"I don't think I'm as strong as you think I am," Sooyoung admitted in a whisper.

"Maybe not." Jiwoo shrugged. "But I know you're stronger than this. You'll get through it, like you always have. And I want to be there when you do." 

"In fact, I’m willing to do pretty much anything to stay by your side.”

Sooyoung considered her words for a while, making Jiwoo almost regret her words. “Then stay.”

“Yeah?” Jiwoo asked, unbelieving. It was the first time she had ever told her to stay, and Jiwoo felt the tendrils of hope growing in her chest.

“Yeah.”

* * *

“Jiwoo?” 

At the sound of her name, Jiwoo's hands paused their rhythmic running through Sooyoung’s hair. “Hmm?” 

“Can you hold me?”

Jiwoo's response came instantaneously. "Of course." 

Jiwoo shifted closer, opening her arms as wide as possible. She grinned when Sooyoung came forward and let herself melt in Jiwoo's embrace. Jiwoo made sure to keep her hold gentle - to leave enough room for Sooyoung to breathe easily. 

Her touch made the room warmer somehow. Jiwoo could only hope that Sooyoung felt a fraction of what she did. Hope that she could bring Sooyoung the comfort she needed.

If she were being honest, Jiwoo would admit that she preferred Sooyoung like this, all small and human. She treasured when Sooyoung allowed herself to be listened to, to be held, to be loved. In times like this, Jiwoo could pretend like Sooyoung was hers to love.

"Jiwoo," Sooyoung murmured, "kiss me."

 _Of course_ , Jiwoo thought bitterly, _isn't that what this is always about_?

There was no love in how Sooyoung crushed her lips to Jiwoo's. No affection in how Sooyoung wound her fingers in her hair. Nothing but all-consuming passion. 

It felt good, of course, it always did. But Jiwoo couldn't ignore the disappointment that this was all Sooyoung needed her for. And honestly, Jiwoo was getting tired of it.


	5. Chapter 5

Sometimes Sooyoung thought of what it’d be like to have her. If Jiwoo would taste different if Sooyoung were brave enough to call the younger girl hers. 

Sometimes Sooyoung would give in and call Jiwoo first, the almost immediate “hello!” making it seem as if Jiwoo was waiting for her call all along. Sooyoung felt nothing but guilt on those days, guilt at the enthusiastic tone of Jiwoo’s voice, guilt at the sight of Jiwoo turning up at her door, guilt at the disappointment on Jiwoo’s face when yet again Sooyoung greeted her with a kiss.

Sooyoung’s body reached out without her even telling it to, her hands moving to Jiwoo before Sooyoung herself even noticed. Apparently, she craved Jiwoo in a way she couldn’t comprehend.

Sooyoung knew that the younger girl wanted more, wanted a genuine connection, wanted affection more meaningful than mindless kisses, wanted Sooyoung’s _love_ , but those are exactly the things that Sooyoung could not give. Sooyoung knew that one day it would no longer be enough, that the tenuous relationship (if it could be called that) they shared would fall apart when Jiwoo finally asked for what she deserved. 

In her head, Sooyoung thought ‘I love you’ and maybe Jiwoo thought the same. That thought only brought a fresh bout of guilt. Sooyoung didn’t know if she could handle if those words were ever spoken aloud, didn’t know what she’d do in that situation. So she was determined to savour every bit of Jiwoo she could get before then.

Sooyoung wasn’t quite sure when want turned into need. 

She watched as Jiwoo threw her head back and laughed at yet another one of her jokes. Sooyoung stared at the sweep of her neck for several seconds too long, trying in vain to not think about how nice it was to kiss.

Fuck. 

* * *

 

“You’re quitting the dance team?” Jinsol asked, incredulous. Since she was the co-captain (or well, the captain, now that Sooyoung was leaving), Sooyoung thought it would be best to tell her first. “But--”

“I’m sorry,” Sooyoung said quickly, cutting her off before she could try to convince Sooyoung to stay. “I know the competition’s coming up and we’ve been practicing for weeks. I just need to focus on other things right now,” she explained, trying to keep it vague, not wanting the other girl’s pity.

Jinsol nodded slowly at Sooyoung’s words, taking them in. “We’ll miss you, you know?”

“I’ll miss you all too.” Sooyoung smiled to herself. These past few years in the dance team had been some of the best in her life, and she had made some fantastic memories. Not just because she loved to dance, but also because of the great girls she met because of it. “And I’m not leaving school - just the team. You’ll still see me around.”

“You’re leaving?” a small voice said. Sooyoung turned and met eyes with Chaewon, who had just slid the door open to enter. She looked disappointed, her brow furrowed and lips pouted. “You’re leaving us?”

"I--"

“First my dad and now Sooyoung-unnie?” Hyejoo said from beside her. She looked as exasperated as usual, so Sooyoung couldn’t really tell if she was joking or not. "Everyone leaves in the end," she sighed.

* * *

Apparently the captain leaving her team just before the most important competition of the year was big news, and as such it travelled through the school pretty quickly. Sooyoung tried to pretend like everyone talking about her wasn’t bothering her in the slightest, ignoring the whispers making up reasons why she had to leave, the spreading of small stupid rumours.

“I heard she was kicked out,” one such whisper said, not so subtly staring at Sooyoung all throughout lunch. “Someone saw her at the bar after school and they couldn’t let someone who’d drink underage lead the team.”

“No way,” another person said. “I heard she was pregnant! She couldn’t do dance anymore cause all of the moving and stuff would shake the fetus and it’d come out all fucked up.”

“What really?”

“Yeah, heard it from a credible source.”

Sooyoung rolled her eyes. She never understood why people who had never met her thought that her life was any of their business. Even if they were right, which they weren’t at all, they were still annoying as fuck. Didn’t they have anything more interesting to focus on?

Jiwoo cornered her about it one day as she was leaving early to head to her part-time job. Just as she was putting the books she needed into her bag, Jiwoo came up to her. “You’re quitting dance?”

“Nope.”

Jiwoo breathed out a sigh of relief, which puzzled her. Why would it matter to her?

“I already quit. Told the team last Tuesday.” Sooyoung informed her. She leaned back against her locker. Knowing Jiwoo, this would be a long conversation. “Honestly, I’m surprised it took you this long. Seems like everyone’s been talking about since then.”

“I didn’t believe them. They kept saying such stupid stuff. Drinking, drugs, getting pregnant, even punching a girl in the dance team!” Jiwoo listed, pout growing on her face. “You’d never do any of that! At least, I don’t think you would. Then again, I didn’t think you’d ever quit and obviously I was wrong about that.”

“Yeah, I guess you were.”

“But you love to dance!” Jiwoo exclaimed, surprising her a little. 

In every conversation she’s had about leaving, Sooyoung’s love for it had never come up. It was always about the competition, or about how much the team needed her, or about who was going to be the captain now that she was gone. Even Sooyoung herself hadn’t even thought about it like that, had ever considered that what she wanted held any merit at all.

“Sure." Sooyoung shrugged after a while. “But there are some things that are more important.”

“More important than your happiness?” Jiwoo asked, incredulous.

“Happiness,” Sooyoung repeated to herself, considering it for a second. She couldn’t remember the last time she had put her happiness before what she needed to do. If she ever did, she’d be selfish. Sooyoung scoffed. “Who gives a fuck about my happiness?”

“I do!” 

“Well, then you’re the only one.” 

Sooyoung couldn’t stand the way Jiwoo looked at her. It was clear that she wanted Sooyoung to be happy with no ulterior motive behind it. She appreciated Sooyoung, even the vulnerable, imperfect girl behind the mask that Sooyoung always wore. That thought might be freeing if it didn’t terrify Sooyoung to the very core. Because Sooyoung didn’t believe that girl was worth appreciating in the first place. 

“Goodbye, Jiwoo,” Sooyoung said, making her voice firm to swiftly end the conversation.

Jiwoo puffed up as she took in a breath, as if she wanted to say more. She apparently decided against it because she just nodded, turned on her heel, and walked off. 

Sooyoung watched her leave, momentarily seized with a desire to pull her back. But it was only for a moment. In the end, she let her arm fall back to her side, let Jiwoo slip into the classroom next to the lockers, let the door close behind Jiwoo as if the younger girl was never there.

* * *

It had been a while since Sooyoung needed to have two jobs. Her brother had been better as of late, stopped his gambling and drinking and picked up a job as a taxi driver to help support them. That had allowed Sooyoung to quit her part-time job at the cafe and join the dance team like she had always wanted to. She still needed to work at the restaurant - providing for a whole household wasn't easy - but at least that way she could also do other things.

But of course, he had recently slipped back into his old habits - trying to find happiness at the bottom of the bottle - and with their mother barely coherent, that only left Sooyoung to help out. Hospital bills weren’t cheap after all. And he wouldn't be able to work for a while, so she'd have to keep up the two jobs indefinitely.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered to her from his hospital bed. “I don’t know what came over me.”

He looked pitiful just laying there. His stomach had just been pumped from drinking too much, and his face was covered in bruising from a bar fight. Some of the bones in his hand were even fractured and were now covered in a thick cast.

“It's fine,” Sooyoung said, shaking her head, refusing to accept his apology. She forced a smile, hiding her exhaustion. She didn’t want him to feel even worse than he did.

Being the only one to visit and having to look for a job in the few hours that he let himself rest was taking a toll on her. And of course, pretending that everything was fine to her team members ( _ex_ team members) and friends also tired her out. 

“No, it isn't. I promised to be better--” he tried to hold Sooyoung’s hand, making him breathe in sharply when his action moved his injured hand too quickly. 

“Then get better. Get some rest and focus on feeling better, okay?” She laid his hand over his, gently to not disturb the cast. “Please sleep?”

* * *

Stepping out of the room, Sooyoung finally let herself breathe - exhaling a breath she didn’t know she had been holding. Her brother had gone to sleep, finally, and visiting times were going to be over in less than an hour so she had no reason to stay. 

She dreaded going home though, because that would mean that Sooyoung would have to complete all her essays and see the sorry state their mother no doubt put herself in. And (if their internet bills were still being paid that is), she’d also have to look online for jobs that would take her. Maybe buy food in the morning, go to class, and come see her brother again.

It seemed like everything was piling on her. Sooyoung felt like she had no room to breathe, no time to herself. Everything felt like it needed to be done right this very instant and it was weighing Sooyoung down. She doubted she’d even have much time to sleep - that is if her too-busy mind let her sleep at all.

Speaking of busy, the entire hospital was practically buzzing with activity. It was too loud for Sooyoung to handle, especially when it merged with the too-many thoughts crowding her brain. It was becoming too much for her to handle.

“Sooyoung unnie?”

There was Jiwoo, standing in front of her, like some guardian angel in disguise. With her hair tucked up into a neat bun, slight makeup on her face, and a comfortable sweater over her, she looked good. A lot better than Sooyoung - who felt like a complete mess - probably looked at the very least. 

“Jiwoo,” Sooyoung addressed, surprise evident in how her voice was higher than usual. “What’re you doing here?”

“You said your brother was here. I wanted to give him some flowers or something.” She lifted the bouquet (a tasteful collection of purple flowers) in her hands for Sooyoung to see it. Impressive. Jiwoo had only met him once and yet somehow correctly guessed his favourite colour. “I didn’t want him to feel lonely.”

“He’s asleep,” Sooyoung told her. _And the one who feels lonely is me_. “Wanna go somewhere with me instead? I don't really wanna go home right now.”

* * *

 

 _This wasn’t supposed to happen again_ , Sooyoung thought, but that thought quickly escaped her mind as soon as Jiwoo’s lips met hers again and parted. Jiwoo’s hands rested lightly on the back of Sooyoung’s neck, the way her fingertips pressed into Sooyoung leaving her breathless and urging her even closer.

After Jiwoo agreed to go somewhere with her, Sooyoung had pulled her into an empty room and somehow they ended up like this.

Somehow, Sooyoung’s hands ended up sinking in Jiwoo’s hair, fingernails against her scalp. That by itself wouldn’t be worrying, but the way that she didn’t want to let go, the way that her brain melted and seemed to stop functioning, and the intense feeling of desire that surged through her - they made Sooyoung feel scared in a way she hadn’t in a long time.

Sooyoung jerked back.

“I should-- I should go home,” she panted out.

Jiwoo nodded after a while, staring back, looking just as overwhelmed as Sooyoung felt. 

“You could come over,” Jiwoo said softly, her words more like a question, the simple statement sounding more like a plea. “If you really don’t want to go home, you don’t have to.”

Her large doe eyes peered up at Sooyoung, insecurity practically visible in them. It almost made Sooyoung change her mind, almost made her give in.

“I know,” Sooyoung said, even though the exact opposite was true. 

In reality, Sooyoung felt like she didn’t know anything anymore, let alone what to say, so she did what they always do instead of speaking - gave Jiwoo another kiss, this time controlled and calculated and _hard_. This type of kiss was simple. There was no love, no tenderness, nothing in it that made Sooyoung overthink every moment she’s had with the younger girl. 

When she pulled away again, Sooyoung had to tell herself to ignore the hurt on Jiwoo’s face.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll see you at school.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c:
> 
> twt + cc: @propertyofny


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